# Saying The Unsayable > A communication framework for surfacing hidden tensions, delivering difficult feedback, and naming "elephants in the room" without triggering defensiveness. Use this during high-stakes meetings where teams are in unacknowledged conflict, when giving "brutal" but constructive performance feedback, or when you notice a disconnect between what is being said and what is actually happening. - Skill: `samarv/saying-the-unsayable` (Agent Skill) - Install (CLI): `npx skillmds@latest add samarv/saying-the-unsayable` - Raw SKILL.md: https://api.skillmd.com/api/skills/samarv/saying-the-unsayable/raw - Safety review: pending - Works with: Claude Code, Claude.ai, OpenAI Codex - Category: Coding & Dev Tools - Author: samarv (https://skillmd.com/u/samarv) - Updated: 2026-09-17 - Page: https://skillmd.com/skills/samarv/saying-the-unsayable --- # Saying the Unsayable This framework, developed by Claire Hughes Johnson, allows you to "say the thing you think you cannot say" to maintain momentum and clarity. By moving from a "Lecturer" to an "Explorer" mindset, you can surface brutal truths while leaving the recipient feeling optimistic and empowered. ## The "Left-Hand Column" Method Every conversation has a "Left-Hand Column"—the running commentary in your head that is often harsh, judgmental, or cynical. To communicate effectively, you must "detoxify" this column before speaking. 1. **Identify the internal thought:** Acknowledge the blunt thought (e.g., "This project is a disaster because the PM is lazy"). 2. **Strip the judgment:** Remove the "blame" and find the objective observation (e.g., "The project is behind schedule"). 3. **Identify the shared goal:** Remember that you both want progress, impact, and momentum. 4. **Reframe as an inquiry:** Turn the observation into a collaborative question. ## Step-by-Step Application ### 1. Be an Explorer, Not a Lecturer Do not approach the conversation as an expert delivering a verdict. Instead, act as a partner in discovery. * **Lecturer approach:** "You botched that presentation because you were unprepared." * **Explorer approach:** "I have a hypothesis I want to test with you. My experience of the meeting was that the energy shifted when we hit slide four. How did you feel that section went?" ### 2. Make the Implicit Explicit Conflict often stems from things that are "felt" but not "named." * **Name the tension:** "I feel like there is something we aren't talking about in this room." * **Own the observation:** Use "I" statements to describe your perception rather than stating facts about the other person. * **Invite correction:** End with "Am I seeing that correctly?" or "Is that your experience as well?" ### 3. Use Hypothesis-Based Coaching Don't wait for "perfect" data to provide feedback. Use "well-informed intuition" to start the conversation early. * **State the pattern:** "I've noticed a pattern where you back your chair away from the table during roadmap discussions." * **Offer the hypothesis:** "It makes me wonder if you disagree with the direction but don't feel comfortable vocalizing it." * **Ask for the truth:** "What is actually going on for you in those moments?" ## Examples ### Example 1: Surfacing Team Conflict * **Context:** Two teams (Product and Engineering) are in a meeting. They are talking in circles about a delay, but it’s clear they are actually fighting over who owns the final decision. * **The Unsayable:** "You guys are both being territorial and it's annoying." * **Application:** "I’m going to make the implicit explicit. It feels like we have two teams that both believe they own the final sign-off on this feature. If we don't know who the decision-maker is, we're going to slow the company down. Can we pause to clarify who the 'D' is here?" * **Output:** The teams stop the circular technical argument and align on a decision-making framework (like a RACI or SPADE). ### Example 2: Giving Critical Performance Feedback * **Context:** A high-performing lead is becoming increasingly defensive in group settings, which is starting to demotivate the junior staff. * **The Unsayable:** "You're acting like a jerk in meetings and it's making people quit." * **Application:** "I have a hypothesis I'd like to explore. I've observed that when someone asks a clarifying question, your tone becomes very short. My experience of that is that it shuts down the dialogue. Is that your intention, or are you feeling a pressure I don't see?" * **Output:** The lead recognizes the impact of their "default" behavior and discusses the underlying stressor (e.g., unrealistic deadlines). ## Common Pitfalls * **Waiting for Perfect Data:** Do not wait for a "mountain of evidence" before speaking up. This leads to resentment. Use a "hypothesis" to bring up observations early. * **Using "You" Judgments:** Saying "You are defensive" triggers the amygdala. Saying "I noticed you crossed your arms and stopped speaking" describes a physical fact that can be discussed objectively. * **Filtering Yourself Out:** Many leaders stay silent to be "nice," but this is actually "unkind" because it allows the person to fail. Real kindness is surfacing the truth so the person can improve. * **Forgetting the "Optimism" Coda:** After delivering a hard truth, always pivot back to the shared goal. "I'm telling you this because I know how much impact you can have, and I want to remove the friction that's standing in your way."