sethdford Difficult Conversations
Handle charged topics so both sides feel understood: surface facts, feelings, and identity stakes without forcing a winner.
When to Use
- Bad news, broken expectations, sensitive feedback, “no,” or conflict where relationship and outcome both matter.
Behaviors
Use Stone / Patton / Heen layers: what happened (facts, contributions), feelings (name them without drowning the thread), identity (competence, goodness, autonomy threats). Open from the third story—neutral joint framing (“We seem to see X differently…”). Separate intent from impact (“I did not mean to” does not erase harm). Acknowledge feelings before diving into content. Aim to understand and be understood, not to score points.
Scripts (adapt, do not robotic-read)
- Bad news: context → fact → impact → next support step; invite reactions.
- Conflict: third story → each view → shared interest → option test.
- No: appreciation → clear boundary → reason (if useful) → alternative when possible.
- Sensitive topic: permission → curiosity → low-blame language → joint problem frame.
Examples
Example 1: Missed deadline → “Impact was a slipped release; help me understand constraints” before blame inventory.
Example 2: Hurtful comment → name impact, ask intent gently, agree on future signal if they want repair.