One On One Template

One-on-One Meetings: Building Trust and Driving Growth

Run 1:1s that serve as safe spaces for honest conversations about work, growth, blockers, and career development.

Context

You are designing or improving 1:1 practice for your team. One-on-ones are the most important investment a tech lead makes: they build trust, surface problems early, and create opportunities for growth.

Poor 1:1s become status updates (wasteful), performance reviews (scary), or don't happen (relationship erodes). Good 1:1s are employee-driven, consistent, and focused on what's underneath the surface work.

Domain Context

• Camille Fournier's "The Manager's Path": Regular 1:1s are the foundation of trust between leads and reports
• Will Larson's "An Elegant Puzzle": Good 1:1s surface organizational dysfunction before it becomes a crisis
• Research (Culture Amp): Engineers who feel heard in 1:1s have 30% higher engagement
• 1:1s are for the report, not the lead: Their agenda, their priorities
• Consistency beats content: A blocked 30 min every week builds trust; reactive 1:1s feel like performance reviews
• Surface what's not being said: Great 1:1s reveal unspoken concerns, blockers, ambitions

When to Use This Skill

• You're taking on a tech lead role and need to establish 1:1 practices
• Your team is experiencing turnover; you want to improve retention
• Engineers seem disengaged or are leaving for vague reasons
• You want to improve career development conversations
• You're teaching other leads how to run 1:1s effectively

Prerequisites

Before starting 1:1s, consider:

1. Personal context: What's your leadership style? Are you comfortable with vulnerability?
2. Team dynamics: Who's new? Who's struggling? Who's high-potential?
3. Organizational context: What's the company's growth rate? Is there instability?
4. Your capacity: Can you commit 30 min/week per report for the long term?

Instructions

1. Set the Rhythm

• Frequency: 30 minutes, same time every week (consistency matters)
• Calendar: On your calendar, not theirs (you're protecting their time)
• Format: 1:1 video call (or in-person if remote-optional); no interruptions
• Cancellation: Very rare. If you cancel repeatedly, the message is "this isn't important"
• Reschedule: If it must move, offer 2-3 alternative times same week (not rescheduled to next week)

2. Create Psychological Safety

Engineer the environment so they feel safe being honest:

• Confidentiality: "What you say here stays here" (exception: safety/legal issues)
• No judgment: If they say "I'm struggling," respond with curiosity, not criticism
• You go first: Share your own challenges, mistakes, learning. Vulnerability invites honesty.
• No surprises: 1:1s are not where performance issues emerge for the first time (you've given feedback already)

3. Start with Them (They Drive the Agenda)

First 15 minutes: Open, unstructured

• "What's on your mind?"
• "How are you doing?" (genuinely, not a greeting)
• "What's top of mind for you?"

Then listen. Don't jump to advice. Let them talk.

What you're listening for:

• Enthusiasm or flatness? (indicator of engagement)
• Excitement or dread? (about work/project)
• Confusion or clarity? (are they clear on priorities?)
• Frustration or calm? (what's irritating them?)
• What's not being said? (silence on certain topics = concern)

4. Surface Concerns Gently

If you notice something unspoken, ask:

• "You seemed frustrated when talking about the project. What's making it hard?"
• "I've noticed you're quiet in standups lately. Everything OK?"
• "How are you feeling about the codebase changes?"
• "I sense there might be some tension with the product team. What's your experience?"

The goal is to create space for honesty, not to diagnose. They own the talking; you own the listening.

5. Discuss Growth (Every 1:1)

Ask about development:

• "What skill are you building right now?"
• "What project would help you grow?"
• "What's a stretch goal for you this quarter?"
• "What do you want to learn but haven't had a chance?"
• "Is there a role or team you're interested in exploring?"

Growth doesn't mean "promotion." It means: "Are they developing, learning, becoming more capable?"

6. Offer Your Perspective (Last 5-10 min)

Share what you've observed (gently):

• "I noticed in code review you're asking great questions about architecture; you're developing deeper expertise there"
• "Your debugging skills are really strong; I'd love to see you mentor others on this"
• "You seem to get frustrated with ambiguous requirements. Let's work on translating ambiguity into clarity"
• "Your presentation in the all-hands was really clear. You communicate well; consider public speaking opportunities"

Observations should be specific, grounded in recent behavior, and forward-looking ("this is what I'm seeing, and it opens doors for you").

7. Be Human

Share your own challenges, mistakes, and learning:

• "I made a mistake in the sprint planning. Here's what I'll do differently next time"
• "I'm struggling with how to give feedback to X. Do you have ideas?"
• "I'm learning about delegation. It's harder than I expected"
• "I got feedback from my manager that I interrupt too much. I'm working on it"

This builds reciprocal trust and models vulnerability. It also shows that struggle is normal.

8. Document Outcomes

After the 1:1, note (for yourself):

• What they're excited about: Project, skill, growth area
• What's blocking them: Unclear priorities, technical debt, interpersonal issue
• What you committed to: "I'll unblock them on X" or "I'll follow up with Y team"
• Growth area: What skill are they developing?

Review these notes quarterly. Are patterns emerging? Are they growing?

One-on-One Template

# 1:1 Notes: [Name] — [Date]

## What's Top of Mind

[What did they say was on their mind?]

## Blockers or Concerns

- [Blocker 1]: Status, what I'm doing about it
- [Blocker 2]: Status, what I'm doing about it

## Growth & Development

- **Current focus**: [Skill/project they're developing]
- **Next stretch**: [What would help them grow]
- **Feedback**: [Specific observation about their work/impact]

## My Updates (5 min)

- [Org context: what's happening at company level]
- [Team context: what I'm working on as lead]

## Commitments

- [ ] [Action I'm taking]
- [ ] [Action they're taking]

## Next Focus

[What should we talk about next week?]

Red Flags (1:1s Not Working)

If you notice any of these, something's wrong:

• They do most of talking about work/status: You haven't created space for what matters to them
• They seem guarded or scared: Psychological safety isn't there; you need to rebuild trust
• You don't remember anything from 2 weeks ago: You're not listening or not writing it down
• They cancel frequently or seem disengaged: 1:1s feel low-priority to them
• Topics are always surface-level: They don't trust you with deeper concerns
• They never mention growth/career: Either they don't care, or they don't think you support growth

Green Flags (1:1s Working)

• They bring up career questions unprompted: "I'm thinking about moving into a lead role; how do I get there?"
• They admit mistakes or ask for help: Trust is high; they're not afraid of judgment
• They talk about life outside work: Professional trust extends to personal connection
• They seem relaxed and authentic: Not putting on a "work persona"
• They laugh: You're building rapport, not just managing
• They push back on your ideas: Confident enough to disagree

Worked Example

1:1 Notes: Alex (Senior Engineer) — 2024-03-08

What's Top of Mind

Alex is excited about the new feature they shipped ("I really enjoyed building that flow"), but frustrated with deployment process ("It takes 20 minutes and fails randomly").

Blockers or Concerns

• Deployment frustration: I'm assigning this to the platform team; should be unblocked in Q2
• Unclear product priorities: Product didn't communicate the rationale for the feature roadmap. I'm scheduling a sync with product lead to clarify strategy and will loop Alex in.

Growth & Development

• Current focus: Alex is deepening expertise in frontend performance (did a POC on code splitting)
• Next stretch: "I want to mentor more; I'm thinking about leading a guild around web perf"
• Feedback: Your architectural thinking is really strong. The way you framed the caching strategy in the design doc showed great systems thinking. This is a real strength for you moving toward tech lead role.

My Updates (5 min)

• Org context: Company is focusing on profitability; all teams need to hit efficiency targets
• Team context: I'm working on Q2 roadmap; trying to get more stability work in there

Commitments

• I'll intro Alex to platform lead about deployment; ask for timeline
• I'll get clarity on product strategy and report back (by next Friday)
• Alex will draft proposal for web perf guild

Next Focus

• Web perf guild proposal review
• Career path toward tech lead (what does that look like here?)

Decision Framework

When running 1:1s:

• If they're not talking much: Ask more open questions. Silence might mean they don't feel safe.
• If they seem stuck: Ask "What would make this better?" instead of prescribing.
• If they admit a mistake: Thank them for honesty. Don't punish vulnerability.
• If they disagree with you: Good. Encourage it. This means they trust you.
• If they're clearly disengaged: Don't ignore it. Name it: "I sense things might not be great. What's going on?"

Anti-Patterns & Guards

Anti-Pattern 1: 1:1s as Status Updates

Description: Spending all time on "What did you ship?" instead of "How are you doing?"

Guard: Status is in tickets/standup. 1:1s are for what's underneath.

Anti-Pattern 2: 1:1 as Performance Review

Description: Always ending with critical feedback; engineer dreads 1:1s.

Guard: Balance feedback (both positive and development areas). Build trust first.

Anti-Pattern 3: Not Following Through

Description: You commit to unblock something; never follow up.

Guard: Track commitments. Follow up by next 1:1.

Anti-Pattern 4: Canceling Repeatedly

Description: 1:1s keep getting bumped for urgent meetings.

Guard: Protect the time. If you cancel, reschedule same week.

Anti-Pattern 5: Dominating the Conversation

Description: Using 1:1 to give advice or updates instead of listening.

Guard: Aim for 70% them, 30% you.

Quality Checklist

Before declaring 1:1 practice mature:

• Consistent schedule: Same time every week, very rarely moved
• Safe space: Reports share concerns without fear
• Employee-driven: They own the agenda; you ask questions
• Growth-focused: Conversation includes development, learning, career
• Follow-through: You act on commitments; outcomes visible
• Trust-building: Reports feel known, heard, valued
• Documented: Notes capture key points for follow-up
• Feedback balanced: Positive observations + development areas

Further Reading

• Fournier, Camille. The Manager's Path: A Guide for Tech Leaders Navigating Growth and Change. O'Reilly, 2017. Chapter on 1:1s.
• Larson, Will. An Elegant Puzzle: Systems of Engineering Management. 2019. Chapter on effective communication and 1:1s.
• Reilly, Tanya. The Staff Engineer's Path: A Guide for Individual Contributors Navigating Growth and Change. O'Reilly, 2022. Chapters on being heard and growth conversations.
• Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House, 2018. On vulnerability and leadership.